Restructuring Wait Dance and Mixed Messages

I was getting a few mixed messages from my boss.  Everyone was reading closely everything that was being said.  Some knew that they wouldn't get affected, but for the rest of us, we felt like sitting ducks.   If I was encouraged to go to a seminar a few months away, I was left thinking, "does this mean I'll be OK?  Would he/she have even offered if I was on the list?"  Still, I couldn't be complacent.  I could still be on the list.

The List.  I knew it was floating about and I was so curious as to whether I was on it.  I was acutely sensitive to how I was being treated.  Was I being treated differently by others who may have access to this list?  

It was such a psychologically damaging time.  The longer it took, the more anxious I got.  I had gotten a few calls from recruiters during this time and I had started to apply to jobs, but in some ways, I still wanted to see what would happen. 

I was being called into several meetings.  They were all so pointless.  The general managers still couldn't go into details as to when, where and who.  I guess they had to do something rather than nothing, and showed to some extent that they were conscious of the uncertainty and its effect on their employees, but it only served to remind me that something was going to go down.  I didn't need the reminder/distraction.   I just wanted them to get it done. 

Burnout and Guilt

I am so.....tired.

I felt like I was on a relentless daily treadmill.  I wake up, get the kids ready for school and find some time to take a shower.  Since I usually pick the kids up after work, I head out the door first.  After work is done, I rush to pick the kids up from extended care/daycare (they are usually one of the last few ones at care), then I rush home to make dinner.  After dinner, we do homework, then start the bedtime routine and then the kids go to sleep.  I get an hour to myself and then I go to sleep, exhausted. And the cycle starts over again. 

On top of all this, I felt so guilty.  My kids were growing up so fast before my eyes, and I felt like I didn't spend enough quality time with them.   I didn't think that I had to be like June Cleaver, but life was such a whirlwind and I felt like I was missing out.   I felt guilty whenever I left them in daycare.  I felt guilty whenever I picked them up.  Everyone has a different idea of what it takes to be a good parent (or mom) and I wasn't living up to my own standard.  Compromise is necessary sometimes, but I felt like I was making too many compromises. 

Something had to give. 

I know that I am not alone in this, and most people have to work.   What was I trying to find?  Balance.  It was so elusive and I have struggled so long to find it.   I had yet to find balance in my life where I could still work and deal with the mommy guilt.

Could I just quit?  I hadn't thought about it seriously before.  I was thinking of possibly looking into part time options, but they are hard to find and this wasn't a good time to ask.  Plus, I wanted to continue working.   Despite the struggles I was facing - being tired and feeling guilty, I got some benefits from working.   From working, I continued to develop in my career and the intellectual stimulation I got from working was worth it to me.  Also, like most people, we needed the income.  But, yet, the drive to advance was waning especially at this time.   My kids were young.  I felt like they needed me and my guidance.  What could I do to alleviate this tension?   How do I reconcile the feeling that my family came first with my desire to continue to work? 

There have been quite a few articles lately about how women can't really have it all.    See Ann Slaughter's article in the Atlantic here.  Now, I don't think the point of the article was that women can't actually have it all, but that there needs to be more institutional changes to fully support people (especially women) who want to have a career and family.  If we don't, then we will continue to lose women as they try to navigate through the ranks of corporate America.  Also, as a society, don't we want to find ways to support hard-working and accomplished people who also happen to have a family?  Shouldn't we trust people and give people the flexibility to determine how and when they should do their work?

In terms of "all", what does it mean to say, to have it "all"?  I think this is a deeply personal idea or thought.  For me, it's a combination based on my culture, my own upbringing, expectations for myself and those that have been thrust on me, and the needs of my family.   At this point, I seemed to have it "all".  I had an established career, a loving husband and beautiful and healthy children.  I also ate out a lot or made frozen food, had little time to play with the kids who were starting to act out, and a messy house.  To many, I seemed to have it all, but I was still not satisfied.  I was still not ... happy.

I don't know what it will take to be "happy".  In some ways, I think that happiness is definitely a state of mind.  Also, did I have the luxury to care about being happy?  I was definitely content, but what were my drivers, and what would satisfy my needs and desires?  

So Not the Right Place.....

The moment came after the first person left.  Ugh.  I still had to meet a few more people.  I so wanted to leave.

This was not the right place for me at this point in my life/career.

The interview started with the usual dance.  We were both assessing each other.  He was trying to assess whether I would fit in with his team and with the company culture, whether I had the right experience or had the ability to adapt and learn, and whether I was ready for the challenge ahead of me.  I had no doubt that I would be able to do this job, but I wanted to see if there was any work/life balance, and whether I would be a good fit with him and his team.  Everyone was really nice and thankfully, very candid about their work life.  One was open about how he typically worked around 12-16 hours per day in addition to some hours during the weekend.  He did say that he was able to balance work and life and that if anything came up, he'd make it up later.  I was thinking, hmmmm, if he worked 12-15 hours a day, when would he be able to make it up, but I didn't bring up the contradiction then.   I don't know if my face said it all, but I already knew that I didn't want to work there.   It was a great company.   They made great products and I would be working with some of the smartest and brightest in the field.  But, it was not me.  At least at this point in my life or career. 

I went into this interview not really knowing what I really wanted to find in my next job.  I wasn't sure I wanted to find work right away and thought that maybe, if I did get laid off, I should just take a break and explore options; however, this was an opportunity, and I should at least explore it.   But, I was doing myself a great disservice by not listening to my inner voice.  

My inner voice was telling me I should just see what happens and in any case, I should explore options and do what I wanted to do.  What did I want?

Restructuring Countdown

Was it going to happen today?  Was there extra security outside today?  Were there moving boxes in the hallway?

Each day we wondered whether it was THE day.  Each day, I was disappointed because it meant another day of uncertainty.  In some ways, I just wanted the company to just rip the band-aid off and just do it.  I understand that there are legal implications to a world-wide restructuring, but still, it was almost annoying how long it was taking.  It had been months since the announcement.  The executive leadership was of course vague on the timing.  There seemed to be constant meetings.  Meetings for department heads to meet with their terms, and then smaller subgroups to meet to discuss the progress.

I had been sending out a few feelers, but I still wanted to see what would happen.  While I was still unsure whether I'd be on the List, I still didn't feel like it was my time to go.  I still wasn't ready to move on.

I had other considerations as well.  I had been at the company for a few years, and my department was supportive of a work/life balance.  As long as the work got done and the clients were happy, there were no requirements for "face time."  I set expectations for my clients and I was generally able to leave at a reasonable time each day so that I could pick the kids up from school, spend a little bit of time with them and make dinner.  This was an established company and there wasn't an 24-hour mentality.

I realized that if I were to move to another company, then I would have to face a few things.  Some of which I wasn't ready to face.

1. Establishing oneself.  One, I would have to establish and prove myself again.  Developing relationships and finding one's way in a new department always takes some time.  
2. Work/life Balance.  Also, I wouldn't know right away whether there was a respect for a work/life balance.  Glassdoor.com was a good resource and I could get feel for the inner workings of a place, but I had to keep in mind whether the post was new or old and whether the poster could be biased or not.  If the reviews consistently listed work/life balance as a pro, then there was some comfort, but I also had to be mindful of which department this poster was in.  While there may be a respect for a work/life balance in one department, this doesn't necessarily carry over to other departments.  I worked in the G&A function, and so there may or may not be similar expectations than for the engineering or R&D staff. 
3. Fit.  Fit at any place is extremely important.  If I'm going to spend a significant amount of time in any place, it's really important to find a place that fits me personally and professionally.   I'm not talking about politics, but philosophy in terms of how to approach problems.  I could not work at a place where it is so rigid and inflexible and did not believe in the spirit of compromise and cooperation. 
4. Commute.  Any new place would have to be relatively close to my residence.  I didn't want to commute to a place where I knew the traffic would be horrendous. 
5. Type of work.   I could do many things, but I had started to truly enjoy what I was doing.  I didn't want to branch out quite yet and wanted to continue to do what I was doing.  Finding the right position with a particular focus would take some time.  But, could I afford to be picky?

 Also, in the back of my mind, I was also thinking.  If I DID get laid off, would it hurt to just take some time off to really think about what I wanted to do?  Could I afford this luxury?

Restructuring Sanity

How did I maintain my sanity during this uncertain time?  Perspective helped.  It was hard, but I tried to think about how others had it much worse than me.  I also looked at what was happening around the world, and realized that even if I did get laid off, I'd still be fine.

Also, since I didn't actually know when things were going to happen, it didn't make sense to let my anxiety affect me too much.  There were things that I could still do.  I still had a job to do (at least as far I as I knew), and I could be proactive and see if there were any other jobs that I could do.   I was still a professional and I didn't want to shirk my responsibilities at work, and I also didn't want to actually put myself on the list if I didn't do my job.

All of this made me think of one thing.  Loyalty.  It seems like the "old" days where people worked for one company for life was over.  Companies are no longer loyal to their employees and employees should feel no loyalty to the companies they work for.  Is this right? Will this attitude actually help or hurt people/companies?  Even though there are expectations of loyalty,  yet, for some strange reason, I still felt some loyalty.  I still liked the people that I worked with, and I liked the company that I worked for.  I believed in their purpose and admired its business ethics.  A restructuring was inevitable considering its lack of performance, and yet, it was still a surprise when a restructuring was announced.

I wanted to stay (of course, it wasn't up to me), and I wanted to contribute to a turn-around (if any). 

This feeling isn't mutual.  Business is business, and the business has to be profitable.   Businesses will have to do what it takes to stay profitable or become profitable or else it will continue its slow decline into bankruptcy.  Also, the cold and objective eye towards profitability has to ignore the human aspect, but how can that be possible?  When managers or heads of departments look at the numbers and targets for reduction, they have to lay off people.  If you've worked with a person for years, can it be an easy task to lay off a person, especially when you know they depend on their job to make a living and support their families?  I didn't envy the hard job ahead for my department head.

Again, how did I keep my sanity?  Perspective and preparation.  I had some time to figure out what to do.  Now, the question was - what was I going to do?  

Restructuring Dance

I decided to just continue working, assume I wasn't going to get laid off and hope for the best.  If any new opportunities came my way, then I'd be willing to explore them.  However, knowing that a restructuring was going to take place was a huge distraction.  I saw lots of closed doors and small groups converging to discuss who would be the most likely candidate to go.  People didn't know whether to continue working on certain projects because they didn't know whether these projects would even survive or if the other people working on them would survive.  Gallows humor seemed to rue the day.

People kept telling me - Oh, no, you'll be fine.  There is no way they would get rid of you. 

In the back of my mind, I kept things in perspective.  This was going to be a huge restructuring.  I was as much of a target as anyone else.  Plus, as with any department, it was a political place.  I was not a pet.  Sure I got along with the head of the department and I was pretty sure she didn't not like me, but again, I was not one of her favorites.   Some of her favorites came from former companies and others were personal friends.   At the end of the day, I would assume that personal relationships matter and if push came to shove, she would rather lay off someone else than her friends. 

Restructuring - Part I

I knew that the company hadn't been doing well lately.  When the CEO mentioned that there would be a restructuring, I wasn't surprised.  What surprised me, really, was how anxious I was feeling, and how fast the rumors would fly.  I really wish that companies would just execute and do the restructuring the same day as the announcement.  Now, we were all stuck with the questions.  When? Where? Is it me?

I believe that when companies decide to restructure, they should do it as soon as possible after the announcement or just do it the same day because in the meantime, everyone is anxious, nervous and productivity drops.  Morale, which is already low, drops even lower.  Also, the longer the company waits, it increases the chance an important employee will leave.

Luckily, the economy seemed to be picking up and those with the skills or desire were starting to look around.   

Hmmm, I had to make a decision.  Should I wait it out and see or should I start looking?