Burnout and Guilt

I am so.....tired.

I felt like I was on a relentless daily treadmill.  I wake up, get the kids ready for school and find some time to take a shower.  Since I usually pick the kids up after work, I head out the door first.  After work is done, I rush to pick the kids up from extended care/daycare (they are usually one of the last few ones at care), then I rush home to make dinner.  After dinner, we do homework, then start the bedtime routine and then the kids go to sleep.  I get an hour to myself and then I go to sleep, exhausted. And the cycle starts over again. 

On top of all this, I felt so guilty.  My kids were growing up so fast before my eyes, and I felt like I didn't spend enough quality time with them.   I didn't think that I had to be like June Cleaver, but life was such a whirlwind and I felt like I was missing out.   I felt guilty whenever I left them in daycare.  I felt guilty whenever I picked them up.  Everyone has a different idea of what it takes to be a good parent (or mom) and I wasn't living up to my own standard.  Compromise is necessary sometimes, but I felt like I was making too many compromises. 

Something had to give. 

I know that I am not alone in this, and most people have to work.   What was I trying to find?  Balance.  It was so elusive and I have struggled so long to find it.   I had yet to find balance in my life where I could still work and deal with the mommy guilt.

Could I just quit?  I hadn't thought about it seriously before.  I was thinking of possibly looking into part time options, but they are hard to find and this wasn't a good time to ask.  Plus, I wanted to continue working.   Despite the struggles I was facing - being tired and feeling guilty, I got some benefits from working.   From working, I continued to develop in my career and the intellectual stimulation I got from working was worth it to me.  Also, like most people, we needed the income.  But, yet, the drive to advance was waning especially at this time.   My kids were young.  I felt like they needed me and my guidance.  What could I do to alleviate this tension?   How do I reconcile the feeling that my family came first with my desire to continue to work? 

There have been quite a few articles lately about how women can't really have it all.    See Ann Slaughter's article in the Atlantic here.  Now, I don't think the point of the article was that women can't actually have it all, but that there needs to be more institutional changes to fully support people (especially women) who want to have a career and family.  If we don't, then we will continue to lose women as they try to navigate through the ranks of corporate America.  Also, as a society, don't we want to find ways to support hard-working and accomplished people who also happen to have a family?  Shouldn't we trust people and give people the flexibility to determine how and when they should do their work?

In terms of "all", what does it mean to say, to have it "all"?  I think this is a deeply personal idea or thought.  For me, it's a combination based on my culture, my own upbringing, expectations for myself and those that have been thrust on me, and the needs of my family.   At this point, I seemed to have it "all".  I had an established career, a loving husband and beautiful and healthy children.  I also ate out a lot or made frozen food, had little time to play with the kids who were starting to act out, and a messy house.  To many, I seemed to have it all, but I was still not satisfied.  I was still not ... happy.

I don't know what it will take to be "happy".  In some ways, I think that happiness is definitely a state of mind.  Also, did I have the luxury to care about being happy?  I was definitely content, but what were my drivers, and what would satisfy my needs and desires?