Restructuring Wait Dance and Mixed Messages

I was getting a few mixed messages from my boss.  Everyone was reading closely everything that was being said.  Some knew that they wouldn't get affected, but for the rest of us, we felt like sitting ducks.   If I was encouraged to go to a seminar a few months away, I was left thinking, "does this mean I'll be OK?  Would he/she have even offered if I was on the list?"  Still, I couldn't be complacent.  I could still be on the list.

The List.  I knew it was floating about and I was so curious as to whether I was on it.  I was acutely sensitive to how I was being treated.  Was I being treated differently by others who may have access to this list?  

It was such a psychologically damaging time.  The longer it took, the more anxious I got.  I had gotten a few calls from recruiters during this time and I had started to apply to jobs, but in some ways, I still wanted to see what would happen. 

I was being called into several meetings.  They were all so pointless.  The general managers still couldn't go into details as to when, where and who.  I guess they had to do something rather than nothing, and showed to some extent that they were conscious of the uncertainty and its effect on their employees, but it only served to remind me that something was going to go down.  I didn't need the reminder/distraction.   I just wanted them to get it done.