Restructuring Day +1

It had finally started to set in.  I didn't have a job.

I had so many mixed feelings.  Panic, anxiety, relief, happiness and even joy.  In some ways, I saw this as a blessing in disguise.  I had not been happy for a while and had thought about leaving, but it was just so hard to move on especially since I was comfortable.

What did comfort mean and how did it impede me?  It always takes a while to get used to any place, and I had finally gotten used to all of the processes and procedures, gotten to know key people in each department that could help me get things done, made some friends and even enjoyed what I was doing.  What made me unhappy? The commute, the feeling of stagnation and the feeling that there was no possibility of advancing my career.   When I looked at my job objectively and weighed all the pros and cons, I knew that I had to leave.  It was just a matter of when and where. 

It made think.  What did I really want?   I had talked about finding the right balance in life and it was a constant struggle.  There was an inner war between my ambitious career self and my mommy self.  My desire to advance in my career was at odds with my mommy self that wanted to take a step back and enjoy my kids.  I think feelings ebb and flow and there isn't just one trajectory, but I was going to stay on the path that I was on until something happened. 

Now that didn't matter.  The decision was made for me.  My ego was bruised a little bit knowing that I was thought of as fungible, but when I thought about it, everyone is fungible.   But, what restored my faith in humanity was the immense response I got from everyone.  Everyone was so supportive and seemed to care about me.

I think that in any situation you can look at things positively or negatively.  I could choose to see this as an opportunity or a calamity.   Granted, not everyone has the luxury of seeing things this way.  I wasn't a single mother living paycheck to paycheck and heavily dependent on this income.  I was lucky, and I realized that I had the luxury of seeing things this way.  In any case, a job loss is hard.  It forces one to do a reality check.

1.  I had to start looking hard at our finances and see if we could do without my income and for how long, even considering the severance. 

2.  We had to look at health care options.

3.  I had to look deep and assess what I wanted to do.  Is this the time for a new direction, do I try to find work right away or do I seize the opportunity and try to take some time off of work and try to enjoy time with my kids (of course this was dependent on an analysis in #1 above)?