Unemployed - Cash Flow Review

Even though I got severance and wouldn't have to worry about health benefits for a few months, I still had to review my cash flow.  I wanted to see how much was coming in and how much was going out.

I used an excel spreadsheet to look at my past expenses and compared it to what I thought should be coming in. Luckily, my husband was still working, but would his income be enough to cover all of our expenses?

We currently live in an area with one of the highest costs of living in the country.  The median price of a house is well over $500,000 and the cost of basics such as fuel, food and transportation is also high.

I used an excel spreadsheet to list our run rate of fixed and variable expenses.

Fixed:

• Mortgage 
•  Daycare/Preschool
• Gas/Utilities
• Taxes (property and income)
• Food
• Insurance

Variable:

• Credit Card bills for daily and other expenses such as clothes, dining out, services (TV), and entertainment
• Savings - retirement, college and other

Then I did a review to see what, if anything, I could cut.  It made me think of what was a "need" versus what was a "want".  I knew that I couldn't take out basics such as shelter (mortgage) and food, but even within the category of "food" I knew that there were choices.  Would I continue to buy organic?  Would I change which supermarket I go to so that I can minimize this expense?  I had to take a hard look at everything and nothing was off the table.   All of these "choices" was really dependent on what our cash flow looked like and whether our income could cover our expenses. Where could I cut the "fat"?  Was there any "fat"? 

Losing my income was a blow, but when I took a closer look, I realized that if we made a few adjustments, we would be OK.  There had been a change in my mindset. 

Now Unemployed - Financial Review

Now that I was unemployed, I had to do a financial review.   I had to take a close look at all facets of my finances.  While I was still in a state of shock, I had to do a reality check to either temper my panic or see if I had the ability to take some time off.  What things did I look at or consider?

Cash Flow Analysis and Review

• Did we have enough income to meet our current obligations?
• Would we have to make certain adjustments?
• Where was our money going and what changes needed to be made?

Debt and Other Obligations

•  How much debt did we have and what were our payment obligations?
• What were our other expenses and what could we do?

Long Term Goals and Net Worth

• What was our net worth and what were our long term goals?
• Would we be able to meet our goals?

Restructuring Day +1

It had finally started to set in.  I didn't have a job.

I had so many mixed feelings.  Panic, anxiety, relief, happiness and even joy.  In some ways, I saw this as a blessing in disguise.  I had not been happy for a while and had thought about leaving, but it was just so hard to move on especially since I was comfortable.

What did comfort mean and how did it impede me?  It always takes a while to get used to any place, and I had finally gotten used to all of the processes and procedures, gotten to know key people in each department that could help me get things done, made some friends and even enjoyed what I was doing.  What made me unhappy? The commute, the feeling of stagnation and the feeling that there was no possibility of advancing my career.   When I looked at my job objectively and weighed all the pros and cons, I knew that I had to leave.  It was just a matter of when and where. 

It made think.  What did I really want?   I had talked about finding the right balance in life and it was a constant struggle.  There was an inner war between my ambitious career self and my mommy self.  My desire to advance in my career was at odds with my mommy self that wanted to take a step back and enjoy my kids.  I think feelings ebb and flow and there isn't just one trajectory, but I was going to stay on the path that I was on until something happened. 

Now that didn't matter.  The decision was made for me.  My ego was bruised a little bit knowing that I was thought of as fungible, but when I thought about it, everyone is fungible.   But, what restored my faith in humanity was the immense response I got from everyone.  Everyone was so supportive and seemed to care about me.

I think that in any situation you can look at things positively or negatively.  I could choose to see this as an opportunity or a calamity.   Granted, not everyone has the luxury of seeing things this way.  I wasn't a single mother living paycheck to paycheck and heavily dependent on this income.  I was lucky, and I realized that I had the luxury of seeing things this way.  In any case, a job loss is hard.  It forces one to do a reality check.

1.  I had to start looking hard at our finances and see if we could do without my income and for how long, even considering the severance. 

2.  We had to look at health care options.

3.  I had to look deep and assess what I wanted to do.  Is this the time for a new direction, do I try to find work right away or do I seize the opportunity and try to take some time off of work and try to enjoy time with my kids (of course this was dependent on an analysis in #1 above)?

 

Restructuring Day

What did I feel when I found out it was me?

Relief.

I finally knew.  After months of uncertainty and anxiety, it was good to finally know.

What else did I feel?

Shock.

I had thought it could be me; it's different when it is actually me.

Sadness.

I was going to miss my co-workers, all of whom were shocked and dismayed.

Happy.

I hadn't been happy for a while, and now I was free.  It felt strange to be happy.  Was it shock? Was it related to the relief? Either way, I was actually happy.

A bit Fearful.

What were the terms - severance (provided I signed a full release), and the company would pay the health care premiums under COBRA for a few months.  Overall, it wasn't a bad package.  The only thing I was really worried about was health care.

The Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act (COBRA) would allow me to get coverage under the company's group health plan for a limited period of time, around 18 months after termination.  Generally, COBRA applies only under certain circumstances such as voluntary or involuntary job loss, reduction in the hours worked, transition between jobs, and other life events.   While I would still get access to health benefits, I would be responsible for paying the full premium.  It was really expensive.  While I always had to pay a contribution, it was shocking to see what the full premium would be.  This was when the fear started to creep in.  After the company paid period expired, what would I do?

Restructuring Wait Dance and Mixed Messages

I was getting a few mixed messages from my boss.  Everyone was reading closely everything that was being said.  Some knew that they wouldn't get affected, but for the rest of us, we felt like sitting ducks.   If I was encouraged to go to a seminar a few months away, I was left thinking, "does this mean I'll be OK?  Would he/she have even offered if I was on the list?"  Still, I couldn't be complacent.  I could still be on the list.

The List.  I knew it was floating about and I was so curious as to whether I was on it.  I was acutely sensitive to how I was being treated.  Was I being treated differently by others who may have access to this list?  

It was such a psychologically damaging time.  The longer it took, the more anxious I got.  I had gotten a few calls from recruiters during this time and I had started to apply to jobs, but in some ways, I still wanted to see what would happen. 

I was being called into several meetings.  They were all so pointless.  The general managers still couldn't go into details as to when, where and who.  I guess they had to do something rather than nothing, and showed to some extent that they were conscious of the uncertainty and its effect on their employees, but it only served to remind me that something was going to go down.  I didn't need the reminder/distraction.   I just wanted them to get it done. 

Burnout and Guilt

I am so.....tired.

I felt like I was on a relentless daily treadmill.  I wake up, get the kids ready for school and find some time to take a shower.  Since I usually pick the kids up after work, I head out the door first.  After work is done, I rush to pick the kids up from extended care/daycare (they are usually one of the last few ones at care), then I rush home to make dinner.  After dinner, we do homework, then start the bedtime routine and then the kids go to sleep.  I get an hour to myself and then I go to sleep, exhausted. And the cycle starts over again. 

On top of all this, I felt so guilty.  My kids were growing up so fast before my eyes, and I felt like I didn't spend enough quality time with them.   I didn't think that I had to be like June Cleaver, but life was such a whirlwind and I felt like I was missing out.   I felt guilty whenever I left them in daycare.  I felt guilty whenever I picked them up.  Everyone has a different idea of what it takes to be a good parent (or mom) and I wasn't living up to my own standard.  Compromise is necessary sometimes, but I felt like I was making too many compromises. 

Something had to give. 

I know that I am not alone in this, and most people have to work.   What was I trying to find?  Balance.  It was so elusive and I have struggled so long to find it.   I had yet to find balance in my life where I could still work and deal with the mommy guilt.

Could I just quit?  I hadn't thought about it seriously before.  I was thinking of possibly looking into part time options, but they are hard to find and this wasn't a good time to ask.  Plus, I wanted to continue working.   Despite the struggles I was facing - being tired and feeling guilty, I got some benefits from working.   From working, I continued to develop in my career and the intellectual stimulation I got from working was worth it to me.  Also, like most people, we needed the income.  But, yet, the drive to advance was waning especially at this time.   My kids were young.  I felt like they needed me and my guidance.  What could I do to alleviate this tension?   How do I reconcile the feeling that my family came first with my desire to continue to work? 

There have been quite a few articles lately about how women can't really have it all.    See Ann Slaughter's article in the Atlantic here.  Now, I don't think the point of the article was that women can't actually have it all, but that there needs to be more institutional changes to fully support people (especially women) who want to have a career and family.  If we don't, then we will continue to lose women as they try to navigate through the ranks of corporate America.  Also, as a society, don't we want to find ways to support hard-working and accomplished people who also happen to have a family?  Shouldn't we trust people and give people the flexibility to determine how and when they should do their work?

In terms of "all", what does it mean to say, to have it "all"?  I think this is a deeply personal idea or thought.  For me, it's a combination based on my culture, my own upbringing, expectations for myself and those that have been thrust on me, and the needs of my family.   At this point, I seemed to have it "all".  I had an established career, a loving husband and beautiful and healthy children.  I also ate out a lot or made frozen food, had little time to play with the kids who were starting to act out, and a messy house.  To many, I seemed to have it all, but I was still not satisfied.  I was still not ... happy.

I don't know what it will take to be "happy".  In some ways, I think that happiness is definitely a state of mind.  Also, did I have the luxury to care about being happy?  I was definitely content, but what were my drivers, and what would satisfy my needs and desires?  

So Not the Right Place.....

The moment came after the first person left.  Ugh.  I still had to meet a few more people.  I so wanted to leave.

This was not the right place for me at this point in my life/career.

The interview started with the usual dance.  We were both assessing each other.  He was trying to assess whether I would fit in with his team and with the company culture, whether I had the right experience or had the ability to adapt and learn, and whether I was ready for the challenge ahead of me.  I had no doubt that I would be able to do this job, but I wanted to see if there was any work/life balance, and whether I would be a good fit with him and his team.  Everyone was really nice and thankfully, very candid about their work life.  One was open about how he typically worked around 12-16 hours per day in addition to some hours during the weekend.  He did say that he was able to balance work and life and that if anything came up, he'd make it up later.  I was thinking, hmmmm, if he worked 12-15 hours a day, when would he be able to make it up, but I didn't bring up the contradiction then.   I don't know if my face said it all, but I already knew that I didn't want to work there.   It was a great company.   They made great products and I would be working with some of the smartest and brightest in the field.  But, it was not me.  At least at this point in my life or career. 

I went into this interview not really knowing what I really wanted to find in my next job.  I wasn't sure I wanted to find work right away and thought that maybe, if I did get laid off, I should just take a break and explore options; however, this was an opportunity, and I should at least explore it.   But, I was doing myself a great disservice by not listening to my inner voice.  

My inner voice was telling me I should just see what happens and in any case, I should explore options and do what I wanted to do.  What did I want?